POV: I’m 34 & Friday the 13th
I was on my way from work when I drove right into a pothole. Despite my efforts to swerve around it.. the rain only lead my tire right into the corner of it which instaneously deflated on impact like a sad balloon. I yelled out sh*t then immediately felt ashamed because I don’t want to curse anymore. But goodness, really? I’m not mad. I’m not mad, I tell myself. I drove about 2 miles before my car starting smoking and shaking. I kept praying come on please just let me get home. Well I didn’t make it, something told me to pull over and I did immediately and luckily so because my tire had looked like someone had eaten it. Another inch and my rims would’ve have been ruined and I’m pretty sure the alignment of my car too. I have so many things lined up with limited funds. How will I budget this?
My emotions were blank.
POV: I’m 33; Early December 2023
I gave myself a pep talk that it was just going to be myself, Jesus and my family. I was done chasing people and or things that were not going to be reciprocative or beneficial to my spirit. I was at peace because I was actively starting over while creating boundaries to focus on myself. I had planned to start over by joining a church and really just focusing on spiritually cleansing my soul. I had to figure out who I was in the grand scheme of things and in order to finally do that - I had to realize and appreciate the power within me.. I was so proud of myself, I was beginning to feel peace for the first time.. So feminine & eloquent.. So bold, confident & pregnant?
POV: I’m 8 or 9? And its February 1998
It’s my baby sisters birthday and I was awakened by screams from the hallway. Too terrified to get up and too terrified to go back to sleep. I stayed awake staring at the ceiling crying. It was the beginning of my self loathing and defeat. I was too young to protect the ones that I cared about and felt like I was already failing at life.. Although, I was the child and needed to feel protected? The party went as planned and without a hitch.. She was so cute with her paci in her mouth.. And when it was time for cake.. they pulled out a clown cake from the freezer.
And thats great and all except my sister HATES clowns..
POV: Sometime in 2006/2007 - So I was either 16 or 17
It was a typical night where I was at home watching tv as my siblings were in bed with my mom at work. My “father” angrily came into the living room asking me repeatedly “Are you trying to turn him against me”? I asked him what he was talking about but felt myself getting real angry so I got up and walked away. Of course he followed me provoking me into a physical altercation that I was trying to avoid.
The “he” that he was referring to was my brother whom I had talked to earlier on in the week. I told him that he shouldn’t move to Florida and that he was better off in Brooklyn away from the hell that I had been dealing with via our “father”. He then told me the things that were said behind my back and that he felt confused when it came our “father” because on the one hand he really wanted a dad but on the other he knew that it could never be him. I told him that I loved him and that the decision was his but I personally hated our “dad” and wanted nothing to do with him.
I guess my brother decided because the next thing that I know is.. I’m rushing to my room and at the same time I’m doing my best to push him out of my face. We somehow ended up outside and one thing led me to another.. By the end of the night I was being dragged by my hair across the lawn and punched in the back of my head. I blacked out and honestly can’t remember what happened next.. I just remember calling my mom screaming, crying and hyperventilating.. What is life?
You can’t honor a parent that failed at their most important responsibility. You can’t even respect them and as much as I have tried and wanted to try with him.. He failed me and did not even have the emotional maturation or decency to apologize to me. He ruined most of my life.. And did not think twice about it.
I couldn’t trust another man to protect me, provide for me or desire me because my first true example of masculine energy fell short. He fed off chaos and only focused on his needs always.
It took me awhile before I truly stopped hating him. It took me even longer to stop blaming myself. I am good enough and my feelings are valid.
POV: I’m 16 and its 2006.
We were both cashiers and oddly enough it was our first job. I hadn't really noticed him but thats not exactly uncommon. We often worked registers close in proximity and once we got called out by a customer for flirting with one another.
He was slightly older than me and out of highschool. I was a highschool senior desperate for total independence and financial responsibility. We somehow satiated the trauma wonds within one another and became co-dependent suitors for each other. I manipulated him and he withheld from me. This went on for about twelve years? Yupp. Sounds about right.
He got real comfortable playing the victim but never comfortable being the leader. I often got blamed for everything then made to feel small whenever I actually started overcoming demons. He reminded me of my “father” cold and withdrawn and I become reminsicient of my mother very driven and independent but how did we end up here? I spent my whole life wanting something different.. something healthy?
I wanted to avoid the tumultous romance of my parents not become it!! Is this not real? What do I do? I want to marry him and have his children. I couldn’t possibly date or marry another.
Oh wait, I know. Lets plan for a baby! *snaps finger* Thats it. Lets do it.
About twenty “phantom” pregnancies later. We are still no closer to love and well here I am almost 30 still waking up to this man feeling emptier and emptier by the second.
How come I dont feel anything when you tell me that you love me?
POV: I’m 29 years old and its 2019
I just got hired at a traffic engineering firm as an executive assistant and I’m making more money than I have ever made in my entire adult life. I’m working 50 plus hours a week and with that I am helping my mom put my baby brother through technical school. I’m exhausted and never even spend half of what I make but who cares.. this is what success is am I right?!
So why am I so unhappy? Its been a year since I left him and this is the first birthday that I had spent alone in awhile. I didn’t even want to celebrate let alone get up off of the floor but my sister said uh uh. We are going to dinner so get dressed. I obliged and had an okay time but something felt off and really heavy. Something felt morbid.
About a month later, I get a call from my brother frantic because he has to get admitted to the hospital. He told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with him but I reassured him that he’d be fine and that he should call me when he got out of the hospital. We spoke and by the end of the conversation he felt better and I was glad.
Its during the week sometime and I am busy at work really trying to focus enough to keep from complete and absolute boredom. I was miserable but ehh. I had a plan.
My other brother calls me to let me know that our brother is back in the hospital. And that things have progressed and now he is in the ICU. A couple of weeks passed and I get a call from my cousin saying that my brother is pratically on life support and has already coded while in the hospital. Im stunned. What do I do?
I casually mentioned all of this to my co~workers who damn near push me onto the plane but I’m hesitant. I’ll be alone with “family” that would celebrate all of my downfalls and shortcomings. At this time of sorrow, they’d eat me alive and I’m just not so sure that I have the strength to stop them. My mom told me to go and reminded that I was all that my brother had..
I get on the plane and head straight to the hospital. Im anxious, all that I can think about is my plane crashing to a burning end. I pull down the blind on the window to try and think happy thoughts but the reality of the matter was.. I was saying goodbye to my already dead brother..
Oct 4th 2024 & 34 years old
The Marley Brothers were set to hit the stage about an hour ago but they’re still not out yet so my mom and I are subjected to this subpar DJ’s failed attempt at keeping the crowd hype and me awake. I’m having fun, I am. My brother and his girlfriend have decided to watch the baby for me and for the night I am what the kids call “outside”. I did my make-up and have on the cutest blue romper courtesy of my aunt’s recent shopping fail.
The lights go dim and the brothers emerge ready to carry on their fathers legacy. They look, sing and dance just like him and as the clips of Bob Marley’s old performances surface side by side with that of his sons. I began to think of my own.
What kind of legacy of I going to leave for him? Did I make the right decision? Am I good enough on my own?
Couldn’t help but think that this was my constellation prize for being ignored and daily discarded. For being mocked for desiring marriage and stability for my son. For overlooking the dependence on drugs and alcohol along with the constant need for exterior validation and attention. The one nice thing that was done for me to cover up all of the lies and shortcomings. Is this what I’m worth?
I look out at the crowd to realize the multitude of people. I can’t breathe but now is not the time to panic. I can’t allow these thoughts to ruin my night out. Im having fun, I am. But why these thoughts? Where are they coming from?
There’s a couple next to me drunk and in love. Mhmmm. Interesting. All of it very interesting.
Everything came around full circle. It was an aha moment for me. I started out craving to be seen, to be heard, to be felt on intimate levels. I craved my “fathers” love and searched for it in every toxic man that I encountered.
But it wasn’t until the birth of my son that I realized.. I realized how far I’d come to be healthy and healed enough to truly love and care for him. To raise him and protect him. To guide him because I had picked up my cross and decided to face all of my wounds.
It was at that moment that I realized that I had the courage to choose me. I honored my osn feelings and with complete peace I heard from God and moved to where I was being led.
I immediately recognized my legacy and it didn’t require a stage with projector screens or big lights. My legacy was the softened heart and pure spirit that remained intact even when those closest to me tried to destroy me with darkness. My meek and docile demeanor is often looked at as weakness and has me sought after like prey.. And even though in the past I begged for God to change my heart to please change me.
My legacy is that I remained the same. Untouched and unlike those I’ve encountered.
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