"BIBICAL VS MODERN DATING: IS BEING SINGLE ON THE RISE?"

Back in 2016, I conducted research by asking my co-workers, friends and family what they thought a relationship was. To my surprise most people were stumped by the question and legitimately could not answer with a response that made sense for themselves. Perplexed, I asked more questions and when they still weren't sure they began to get defensive. For those that could articulate their answers - their rebuttals were typical as they solely defined a relationship as a union between two people who love each other. 

Neither underwhelmed or overwhelmed I began to dig deeper. How could we spend most of our lives in relationships and not be able to define them?

Yes, you read the title correctly. This excerpt is about dating however I feel like its pressing to properly discuss what a union is before we delve into what the chronological differences are and the direct impact that they may have on our lives. 

Webster defines a relationship as; the state of being related or interrelated, the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: such as a kinship or a specific instance or type of kinship and lastly they define a relationship as a state of affairs existing between those having relations (for example: dealings and a romantic or passionate attachment). 

So what exactly does that mean? In a scholarly way, relationships are viewed/defined as a connection that has a basis rooted in mutuality. In my humble opinion, relationships are the epicenters of our lives whether romantic or platonic. Relationships are the bonds that teach you life lessons about yourself as well as the other person engaged in the connection. They ensure for personal growth and development regardless of the outcome because relationships bring you closer to your goals and life purpose. Having said that, is there a real difference between dating now and dating in the Biblical times? 

See Below To Discover What It's Like To Date in Today's Society

• One night stands and friends with benefits connections
• Selfish connections to satiate one's desire
• Instant connections via dating apps
• A love centered around the physicality sans the emotionality
• A multitude of people scared to be in loving connections
• A plethora of people who don't date because they find it difficult 
• Unsolicited DMs, catcalls, flirtation, etc.
• An up rise of people interested in casual dating via long term commitment
• Immense trouble finding someone who meets or exceeds your standards
• Being content on your own
• Feeling pressure to date, marry and have children by a certain age

See Below To Discover What It Was Like To Date in Biblical Times

• There are no known specifications that directly address dating
• The process of finding a spouse was more about family lineage and economic stature
• Finding a partner was more of a barter system
• Relationships were centered around Christ which meant that they were centered around love, healing and wholeness
• The word "dating" is not found biblically and/or used in this era 
• There was no pre-marital sex 
• Men often had to approach the family (or father) of the woman they wanted to marry
• Foolish relationships were avoided
• The men lead and the women were submissive
• Being emotional and physically intimate was reserved solely for your spouse
• Obeying and honoring your partner 

Anyone else find it odd that there are more clear and concise ways to define dating in this generation than that of Biblical times however there were far more successful courtships and marriages back then? Its a concept that has me temporarily bogged down at the thought of what dating actually is. How can we find success in something that we are trying to define ourselves? 

Most people in this generation struggle to figure out who they are and what they have to offer this world let alone what they can offer a spouse. So what happens? You have a host of people that focus on themselves to the point of ruin and when they find someone that actually cares that person is not accepted because it goes against the self absorbed norm. 

This excerpt was not meant to be cynical however it is meant to bring awareness to the fact that the societal climate has decided to displace freedoms in every aspect of our lives and instead of providing us with good foundations/happiness all that has happened is the complete opposite because our society has become magnified spews of people who are unhappy and burying it into guises.

With every break-up (with the same guy and random friends with benefits in between), I developed a ritual for myself. I began with the obsession over my image which meant  that I was in the gym 6 days a week, every week. Next, I was on the hunt for external validation so I downloaded various dating apps and went out clubbing EVERY single weekend. Lastly, I became over ambitious and worked over 40 hours a week because who needs a man or woman when you can have more money? Oh boy. I repeated this cycle for almost a decade before realizing that my behaviors were counter intuitive and not in alignment with who I was deep down inside. To look at me meant that I had it altogether and was so happy to be away from my "loser" ex-boyfriend. His lost right? WRONG! 

Everything that I did was a cry for help and or attention and I was too prideful to sit with myself to figure what I was even looking for in another person let alone union. I started dating my ex when I was sixteen years old and at first I just wanted an escape from my tumultuous home life but then it quickly turned into more when we decided to move in with each other. We struggled so much because neither one of us knew what were doing or what a successful marriage or relationship looked like.

 I tested him and was very immature at first because I felt like I didn't need him and I especially did not want to be told what to do. He failed because (per his words) he didn't know how to be a man. We were hopeless but I kept fighting for the relationship by changing my ways and acting more like a wife and being as nurturing as I could to prove to him that I would be a good mother some day.

It didn't help the situation and in fact it completely stunted our relationship entirely because he then became envious of my growth. Failed promise after failed promise led me to eventually leave him for good shortly after my 28th birthday because I had finally decided that I deserved more than what I was getting. It was at that point that I began to create a list of my attributes to then create a list of the attributes that I desired in a partner and I have been editing that list every since. That was my first relationship and after that I haven't been in once since. 

 For the past four years, I have unsuccessfully dated to no avail and do you know what I have learned? I'm not good at dating. That's my God honest truth. I am so good at being alone because I feel like there are fewer disappointments with less people being intimidated by my looks, wisdom, and/or demeanor. I feel like.. I explain my intentions far less and I don't have to worry about my independence and articulation scaring anyone which gives me more time to explore the depths of what God has to offer me. Does this mean that I have given up on finding a spouse? 

Absolutely not however I have given up overly proving myself to any potential spouse and furthermore I have given up wanting another person to validate me. I'm done letting a relationship and/or the lack thereof determine my value. I had to unpack a lot of trauma to even figure out why I became like this and I am assured that I am not alone in that. My father did not know how to be a man (let alone be capable of being a good person) so he could not be selfless or strong enough to be a husband or a dad. He couldn't lead so my mother had to and knew just how to because her mother had to lead and so on and so forth.. Cyclical generational curses are a detriment to our families. 

3 KEY POINTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN ASSESSING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BIBLICAL AND MODERN DATING  

1. With modern dating, physical intimacy holds rank in the relationship. It is expected to come first as a way to solidify the connection and to allow yourself (or person of interest) to decide if your feelings are based off lust or something substantial. The depth of the relationship is hush hush, tucked away and saved for marriage whereas when you are dating Biblically the depth comes first so that you can surpass any physical based "Honeymoon Phases". By doing this you allow yourself to build a spiritually based connection with your potential partner and you bypass any superficial distractions so that you can begin to date with intent. It seems so radical but think about it, how many relationships are solely based on sex as co-dependency? People have sex with others to gain intimacy however true intimacy comes from a vulnerability that is based off of effective communication, love, and God. When you have all of these things with a partner, you will succeed.   
2. If you are dating and the God-given roles of a man and woman are present - you are dating Biblically. I affirm daily to have a relationship where I am protected and provided for spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally. I understand now that I can't do everything and after being with a man for so long that couldn't lead.. I do not want to do everything either. It was not intended for women to become the head of the household however society has consolidated the roles so much so that you now have generations of men that don't know how to be men accompanied by women who don't know how to be women. What do I mean by that? Men aren't assertive anymore and women aren't soft and docile any more. Now how does that affect the dating scene? Simply put, if you don't understand yourself.. what can you intentionally offer someone else?
3. I have seen a lot of relationships that are based off of self centered needs and convenience - that unfortunately is modern dating. If your relationship is centered around the fact that you meet the needs of your significant other or vice versa you unfortunately will never be happy with that person because the moment that person falls short of your expectations you will want to move on and find another that can "successfully" complete the task. Biblically dating is less about "finding" the right person and is more about "being" the right person. Can you wholeheartedly serve and be served by this person? Will this person accompany you in things that are outside of the relationship to serve a higher purpose? Being selfless and living a life dedicated to others will produce more fruitful relationships that result in successful marriages. Now don't get me wrong, naturally you want to have a rapport with the person that you are dating but to expect to a victorious relationship when you are selfish/unwillingly to compromise is to understand that you will never attract a person of sincere stature.  

 CONCLUSION

Dating has become a game of control and deception. It’s literally witchcraft if you aren’t careful. The amount of deception that’s based on manipulation and narcissistic narratives is astounding. More and more people are developing identities to seek validation - willingly lying to one another and hiding real emotions due to their inability to heal. 

If you can’t be your God given authentic self it’s just irresponsible to date anyone! Because now, you have inevitably developed an expectation that this person of interest is going to heal you and that just isn’t fair.. At this point, most people don’t need a bf/gf they need Christ. We need to understand what true love is in order to reciprocate willingly and to be brave enough to endure the full responsibilities of finding a wife/husband.

Now, dating is not to be confused with courtship and as you mature you will know the difference. It’s either the intent for real commitment is there or not. Stop will be a placeholder in someone’s life when you are meant to be a husband/wife in another. 

Be responsible with your free will enough not to feed into the false narratives of this world. Stop supporting this new world order of less families and population control. We were intended to wholeheartedly share our lives.

When did we all become so fearful? 

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MY OPINION AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME SPECIAL. I JUST LIVE MY LIFE IN CONSTANT RUMINATION AND OBSERVATION. I SHARE MY LIFE IN THE HOPES THAT I CAN HELP OTHERS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING EITHER.