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“A CONVERSATION WITH LOTS WIFE: WHEN DOES GRIEF ACTUALLY BEGIN” PART TWO To Maria Eva Castro, I see you baby girl. God has beautiful things in store for you. Keep moving forward. This post is for you.

There was a time when I couldn’t be trusted with disappointment. There was a time when I couldn’t see past my pain. Anger fueled my spirit allowing me to mismanage it all. It stole from me, took everything from me.. The most important thing being time..

How many times will I look back?
How many times can I replay the same situation in my head when I know that the choices that I make affect too many people?!

Can you hold me down without holding me back?
Can you really and truly hold me down without holding me back?
Hold me but please don’t hold me down only to suffocate me!
Please?!

Unanswered prayers, pain and heartbreak have led too many people down traumatic paths because they keep looking back to dwell in their own turmoil. Everyday they are choosing to be bound by their own “demons” continuously allowing their unhealed pain to invite darkness into their life prone heavy hearts.

No more pain escape attempts
No more pain escape attempts
No more pain escape attempts
So, how will we steward this pain differently? 

Think about this.. 

Is it possible that our choices are pain led and in the same token because of this we have allowed ourselves to be distracted in pain?

I used sex, it gave me power. The joy of the manipulation. The games. I felt superior but really I felt insecure and overly sexualized. I felt sexually devalued because my innocence was robbed from me. Taken so carelessly. Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?

Pass me the blunt. Roll it up. Paralyze me. I’m having fun because I’m numb with my mind finally quiet. No more voices telling me I’m not good enough. No more feeling different. I’m just like you. See? No. I can never be you because I’ve been set apart. And when that high comes crashing down I’m left with myself separated and isolated. Delusional. Let’s get high again.

Drink? Yes please. Bottles, shots, oh my. Stumbling and falling. Slurring my words. The life of the party. Mingling with complete strangers. Passing out concussed at parties only to gain consciousness enough to drink again. The next day crackers and ginger ale add to my heartbreak. It’s so heavy. I can’t breathe? Which wrist should I cut?

Want to hang out this weekend? And the next? And the next? We can pre-game here and end up here and here. Sure, okay! Let me show my breasts and hike up my skirt. Fitted, tight, alluring. Let’s command the attention. Let’s be free. I’m fun, this fun, it’s all fun. Right?! I’ll let you answer that this time. 

Mismanaged pain leads to mismanaged time. What is your pain response? Will it be different after reading this?

Now, moving forward because I’m no longer looking back. Do you think that I can experience new pain and disappointment without false remedies? Do you think that God can trust me with another heartbreak? 

What if all the painful circumstances that you encountered were allowed to help you deepen your faith and change your heart posture? What if pain is one of the greatest teachers?

Your spiritual discernment will dictate the range of disappointment that you will feel or if you’ll feel it at all. Will we continue to allow disappointment to have the last word?

Seek wise counsel and surround yourself with people who truly see you even when you try to hide. Take adequate time to heal but don’t waste time. Time is a luxury that we don’t have. 

What if it had to happen?
What if it had to happen? 

I’m tired of folding, quitting, and running the moment unexpected things happen. I’m tired of questioning myself to no avail when the said situation came into my life to destroy me and rob me of my naivety. I’ll endure in silence although it’s new for me, I’m willing to overlook the circumstance because it gave me wisdom enabling me to plummet forward. I’ll say nothing even though I’m grieving. I’ll say nothing even though I can prove my point better than any pro bono lawyer.

I’m grieving and it hurts but what’s the alternative?

A pillar of salt?

Sometimes it’s going to hurt to move on from a relationship, friendship or job that you can no longer serve you but I promise what’s ahead of you is far more powerful than what’s behind you. 

If you are NOT grieving something you are literally living the same life everyday. Day in and Day out.  You have not changed. You have not been challenged. You are not growing. Don’t run away from adversity because you are scared. Don’t run away from adversity because the recalibration that you’ll experience as a result will prepare you for the higher calling that’s been placed on your life. 

What is heartbreak?
What is pain?

Answer the question truthfully then decide how much you are willing to withstand. Are you willing to compromise your intengral growth or your God given heart posture because you feel like you aren’t built for the pressure that life causes?!

Answer me. Look at yourself right now and answer me if it’ll help you to answer yourself. Don’t lack accountability because it’s easier to ignore the discomfort. Don’t lack accountability because it only leads to stagnation and fear. 

Be obedient to that voice that tells you to walk away or let them go. Or have faith in a situation that doesn’t seem like it will change. 

It will be okay, I’m promising you that it will. 






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