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“LIVING TO DIE: WHEN DOES GRIEF ACTUALLY BEGIN” PART ONE

You ever just put on a good song and cry to feel something? For as long as I can remember it’s been words, friendships, songs, art, tattoos, drinking, partying and drugs that have communicated for me when I was bound to trauma. Most of these “identities” have acceleratingly diminished while others have clung to my flesh to die off slowly.  

I’m grieving. 

I remember the night so vividly because I was crying profusely at the edge of my bed in my dimly lit room begging God to save me!!! It was January 2021 and it was just after New Years and I couldn’t eat, sleep or think straight. It was as if my body was being attacked because I was constantly weakened by sickness. I had dark thoughts of suicide which was triggered by a very vile situation that I had unknowingly been apart of. 

Angry, yet again because I had been mislead and treated poorly when I only had good intentions for all parties involved. How did I not know? Why did I accept those behaviors? Why does this always happen to me? GOD why?! Why GOD?! HELP ME PLEASE!! Please just tell me who I am supposed to be in this lifetime!!! I had so many questions!!!! So, I decided to get on my knees with my eyes closed and look up. 

“You still don’t see your power” 
What?!, I responded. Not sure what I had heard. 
“You still don’t see your power”
The question lightheartedly repeated.

My mourning began in that day. But you know what stopped? The emptiness that I felt while I was apart of the world doing whatever I wanted. The darkness, fear, and confusion lifted out of my spirit that night and was replaced with peace. 

I’m still grieving though…

I get to be reborn in the image and purpose that was designated for me and even though I’m in and operating from the light doesn’t mean that my life is suddenly easy because it is not. 

Now, it’s time to look at that sexually abused little girl who was both denied and hated by her earthly father and try to convince her that although he couldn’t love her it doesn’t mean that she is unloveable. Yes, they hurt you but forgive them so that you can have peace. Forgive them so that you can withstand your own beauty enough to feel comfortable in your own body.

You grew up fast but let go of the resentment because even though you made the necessary sacrifices to help your mom. You have impacted your siblings in ways that are rewarding for all involved. They are your best friends and as you have helped carry them they are now helping to carry you..

Your brother has died and you haven’t had peace for years but it’s okay. Even though the whole family rallied against you and didn’t want you anywhere near his death bed - you were courageous enough to get on that plane by yourself so that you can be in that room surrounded by enemies long enough to keep your promise of always being there for him. Forgive yourself for not being able to go to his funeral or wake. It’s been 5 years. Just pray for his soul now. 

Ahh, how do I stop the grief?

I fought myself and others fought me the day that I found out that I was pregnant. Chin up, this is what you have prayed for and even though you are unmarried and have no relationship because you kept getting rejected. It’s going to be okay. As a mother, you are working hefty hours and getting minimum pay and it’s a good thing that I was financially provided for by my child’s father because If not, I would have had to go back to work right after the baby. Trust him, he wants a relationship with you now! Let your guard down, it’s okay if you never meant to do this!! Were we? I want to hear him say it! Say what?! Why?! I want to hear him say it?! Why? So that I’ll know once and for all that what my father said about me isn’t true! That I’m really worthy of love and that my feelings have value. 

It’s too heavy. There’s no way that I can carry it all. 

If I pick this up, I’ll get hurt! I’ll get hurt again! I can’t possibly carry this another step!! 

I can’t! 

Again with this grief?

No one prepares you for the moments when you can no longer run from yourself. If you are lucky you will have beautiful people surrounding you and encouraging you to rest into this newer version of yourself. 

For as long as I can remember I have been different and to be honest I was so mad at myself for it. I figured anything was better than who or what I am but that was one of the many lies of the enemy. We each have divine purpose and even when it’s hard. .. You have to pick yourself up and be willing to dig the necessary graves in order to make room for what will be. 

I’m just like you. I am completely broken but I’m trying ok?

I’m trying..

Part two of this is coming soon. 

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