My fate as I knew it was sealed by the two pregnancy tests that I had just taken.. In disbelief, I layed on the bathroom floor face down laughing to myself.. I remember that I kept saying huh? Really? No! No! No! This can’t be!! Then I would laugh again.. This probably went on for about twenty minutes before I would bolt out of the bathroom and into my car to FaceTime with my sister as if I was having some sort of teen pregnancy that I needed to hide from everyone.
I scheduled an ultrasound within the same week so that I could witness firsthand the heartbeat of my would be legacy. Shocked, I kind of just stared at the screen watching and listening to his strong heartbeat. I found out then that he was 7 weeks old! Again, I had no emotion - I was just too shocked.
I sat in my car afterwards just staring at his ultrasounds which is when I decided to call my sister.. I immediately showed them to her and she cried. Shouldn’t that had been my reaction? Man, I thought to myself… I’m already failing as a mom.
EDITORS NOTE:
I remember all of my fear based emotions and reactions as I thought about telling his father.. I was so scared and riddled with anxiety/depression because this WAS not apart of my plan. And if it wasn’t apart of my plan IT MOST DEFINITELY WAS NOT apart of his!!!! I just kept thinking to myself, would my child’s father hate me and think that I trapped him? Am I going to hell for having a baby out of wedlock? How can I hide this from EVERYONE so that I can figure this all out? And so on and so forth… I was not excited for the first couple of months and feared (of course) that I wouldn’t have the proper bond with my baby.
Under the advice of my family, I told him.. and I never even mentioned the word pregnant. I literally just told him that I took a test, two and that they were positive. He looked at me with his face blank yet soft after I told him that I’d be keeping the baby however I assured him that either way I wouldn’t pressure him. He was calm and that made me nervous ACTUALLY it kind of made me mad. Wierd right? I had a whole spiel in my head assuming that he would be mean or upset and now this? What do I say to him being so nice to me? I’ll tell you what I said.
I told him to stop being so calm because it was freaking me out. I told him to tell me everything that he was feeling (because I was a big girl.. I could handle it..) and not to hold back. I reassured him that I knew how mean he could get so he should just tell me right now! He looked at me with his eyes wide and said, “Wow”. Then he said “Look at me, we are going to be okay”. I said what? “We are going to be okay” He said. I smiled and although I didn’t believe him.. I had some sort of peace for now.
I couldn’t help but think that we never meant to do this. I repeatedly kept saying to myself, shouldn’t I be married? Will we ever be a real family? My mom kept telling me that I was overthinking and of course she was right but how could I stop my brain from collapsing into itself? I felt like I was drowning and to make it all worse, the spiritual warfare was beginning.
I had told a select few people at work because I was going to be going through some changes and needed support from management as I did. BIG MISTAKE. Well one person told another and another and before I knew it.. the halls of the dealership was gossiping about my pregnancy and with each day there were active polls of who the child’s father would be. I had people so far as to say, that if my child’s father was who they thought he was.. I’d be a single mother because he did not have the capacity..
Everyday, I was met with questions about why I had chosen him or why would I have a baby with him? Or they would even go as far as to say that I was no longer as “innocent” as I portrayed prior because I was pregnant after claiming that I was celibate. (which I was!) They were mad and infuriated by the whole ordeal. There was jealousy amongst the females that I worked closely with and if there were any accommodations made for me at the job, they would scoff. I had people stop talking to me and through it all I was just ready to lose my mind.
I tried to tell my child’s father just what I was dealing with but because no one was really coming at him he really couldn’t fathom the intensity of my day to day. It was more than disappointing to say the least and I wholeheartedly could not figure what the obsession was with me during my pregnancy. So not only did I not get the space to quietly internalize how I really felt — I felt like I was robbed of my pregnancy glow.
Who else goes through all this unnecessary drama while pregnant? I just wanted to do my job and go home. But nah, It was NOTHING like that. I thank God for those select few in that establishment that I could rely on to keep me grounded because without them I’d be on welfare full time. I would NEVER want to be famous or well known EVER because I value you my privacy way too much. Nope.
The audacity of others to get offended when I don’t share the intimate details of my life will forever astound me but nevertheless I prayed feverishly and with every attack I got better and better but it was still just so annoying.. Like come on, grow up already!
I didn’t want any of this energy to affect my son so I talked to him daily and I laughed constantly. I played him music and we listened to uplifting podcasts and all. I would literally tell him EVERYDAY that “You are in this world BUT not of it and some people will admire you for that while others will be very intimidated by you because of that.. Either way you aren’t here for the approval nor praise of any man”.
I felt the spiritual strength of my son from the womb and if I could choose one thing to guide him in this world.. It would be to tell him the very thing that took me 30+ years to figure out and accept. I grew up with an overdeveloped empathy due to a lot of emotional suffering and trauma. I hated emotions because I thought that it made look weak, so you guessed it.. I hated myself because I was literally a slave to my own emotions. I developed a persona and identity with every passing year and with each one, I was more and more dead inside.
I was poison for my own spirit and really started to ponder the possibility of feeling this way forever so if that’s the case maybe I could do something to mask how I really feel. Of course, I’ll drink that whole bottle of Vodka, take shots to drink some more. Who cares if I pass out at the party and hit my head on the TV stand? I’ll get up and drink some more!! Not bad enough? Oh there’s more.. How about experimental psychedelics and dangerous combinations? All for the sake of FEELING something besides a dark cloud over my head and in my soul?
I never understood why people hated me so much and why I had to be so different! I had others tell me often that I was so wise and had an old soul from the time that I was in elementary school. I always had a knowing and I hated that about me. Why couldn’t I just be a wallflower? I felt like I grew up envying the people that no one seemed to pay attention too because it looked like they had peace.
The hardest part of my unlearning process was allowing myself to be validated in all that I felt no matter what. Emotions are simply indicators of your physical and spiritual presence but they aren’t always true. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean that we all are born with a sensory cognitive capacity that allows us to decipher right from wrong but we shouldn’t solely rely on it in our day to day because emotions are of the flesh and well many things from the flesh are immediate and fleeting.
I have to be that mom whom can maturely tolerate my sons emotions and fully understand that even from now at ten months old, he is his own person and although I am blessed to care for him and guide him.. He doesn’t belong to me!
All in all, my pregnancy has taught me that I’m a worthy person and that I will no longer be susceptible to the manipulation of others. I don’t care if you don’t quite comprehend my life because chances are you haven’t even considered understanding your own. It’s either you’re going to help us as new parents or you are going to get out of our way and don’t even think about abusing your roles via any sort of role entitlement because I don’t care who you are.. If you aren’t creating a relationship with depth with those in MY family, respectfully, I can’t even begin to entertain you with much energy.
LETS BE VERY CLEAR, I want a solid emotional connection to my child however I am most certainly aware that HE DOES NOT fill any voids in my life. His existence single handed helped to catapult my evolution from that emotionally unseen child to someone who is unapologetically walking in her God-given power. I’m no longer compromising ANY aspect of myself to keep the peace because from now on.. I’m dedicated to speaking the truth no matter who I offend….
EDITORS NOTE:
I figured that if I use a specific term or phrase I should define it because we are all learning together and there’s just so much beauty in the proper education.
I digress, Spiritual Warfare is a literal attack to your being at the core as you begin to unlearn the identities you developed in this world. To break it down further, it is the literal obstacles and happenings designed to discourage you at the height of a change in your life. How does evil affect you? In the mind. If your mind is diluted and confused your spirit becomes stunted. You won’t grow nor develop enough to actualize your God-given purpose and if you think that this world is just a physical one, PLEASE WAKE UP.
And to FINALLY address the rumors and twenty one questions, my child’s father is such a beautiful human being whom is ACTUALLY dedicated to being a safe space for me.. ALL DAY long he tells me how much I do for everyone else and how it’s his job to be there for me in every possible.. and through it all we have maintained this mutual emotional responsiveness that makes our ups and downs all the more impactful to our relationship. We are literally unlearning together and well it’s literally the closest thing to pure love that I’ve experienced with someone other than my immediate family.. (Cue K-Ci & JoJo, if ya know you know) Psssst, the song is called, All My Life”. You’re welcome!
Okay, bye. See you next week.
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