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“HIGHCHAIRS AND FUPAS: THE UNFREQUENTED TRAILS AND WONDERS OF MOTHERHOOD”

I’m staring at the ceiling while on the floor in my son’s room thinking to myself, “Why aren’t I asleep”? Doesn’t seem like that much of a philosophical question but for me… its life and death. I’m kidding... Wait, am I? (Mhmmm) Sleep is the ultimate sacrifice and when you become a parent, I’d say the number of sleepless nights to account for is however many that exist in eighteen years... So right now, close your eyes and think about the next eighteen years of your life (I want you to really imagine it) then deduct any moments rest that you potentially considered. Did you do it? I’m at the point where I’m considering wearing coffee beans as contact lenses. 

 Anyways, it’s Mother’s Day (by the time that you are reading this it won’t be) and I just can't believe that I’m a mom to a beautiful and healthy baby boy. It’s true what they say, you don’t know what love is until you’ve wiped someone’s butt…. repeatedly... I’m so in love with being a mom and after 9 months I’m at a point in my life where I can confidently say that I’m getting the hang of it? Ok, maybe not so confident. And that’s more than ok. 

Motherhood is allowing for me to be present in my pain. I’m no longer living internally because the results of doing such disable any room for personal growth. I understand the real weight of what it means to be a mom now and this is such a blessing to me because this what I have prayed for. I sincerely understand why I had to become a mom at thirty something… and it’s because I was emotionally immature in the past and in all honesty, I wasn’t ready for the burden of motherhood. I know that you are reading this and thinking, Burden? Yes, now let me explain. 

As a mother you are completely SELFLESS and for the rest of your life your child(ren) will be completely dependent on you. There are no days off or any allotted time for you to slack off. It’s your sole responsibility to lead them in the way that they must go and that takes a multitude of weight being added so that you could grow. Motherhood has given me such a sustainable endurance to face and deal with the demons I would’ve otherwise ran from. 

I feel so blessed that I have been given this opportunity to experience the purity and naivety that my baby possesses. His purity allows for a rebirth and renewal in my spirit. It has engaged a softness in me that I never thought I’d feel safe enough to act on and oh my goodness this softness terrified me postpartum. Be sure to read all about my spiritual pregnancy next week, the post is called "Spiritual Warfare On The Familial Structure: Are Traditions Archaic"?

Now, I’m this boring human being that gets excited over a brand-new washer and dryer!! True story. I spend my days working and when I am not working, I'm taking care of and spending time with my family. Sounds cliche but my life is finally in totality with how I imagined it. It is completely routine with being a successful mom/girlfriend the epicenter of it all. Now, some days are more challenging than others and, on those days, I just want to hide under the bed to forget what it is like to be depended on BUT I don't have the luxury of doing so and as tempting as it sounds, ehhh... that's not me anymore.   I had a choice to make the moment that I found out I was pregnant. I could stop and dwell on my past or I can embrace and look forward to my present/immediate future, even though it looked completely different from how I envisioned it. I chose the latter and I have not looked back since. 

Wellllllll, sometimes I do look back when I'm going through old photographs, and I do this to remind myself of what my body used to look like... Hence the word "Fupa" in the blog title. (If you don't know what fupa means please look it up for a good laugh) It's a play on the mental struggles that plague every woman adjusting to body after baby. I'm extremely lucky however to have such a supportive partner that tells me every single day, how pretty I am without hesitation, and he even goes out of his way to accommodate me when I make any dietary changes. I promise you that I am not going coo coo trying to achieve a "snapback". My goal is to be healthy and active so that I can raise my son with a good example of a healthy balance. 

I guess I’m writing this post as an ode to change... a follow up to the last one, where I talked about what was necessary to move forward. I will say this… the implementation that is necessary to sustain any change is difficult and for me the hardest part about being a mom is not even the responsibility - It’s the fact that I am hidden. This new season in my life calls for me to be very still in the moments that are allowing me to grow. 

Where are you being led? Can you identify the requirements necessary to uphold the maturation necessary? 

Don’t miss out on the joys of life because you are afraid of what’s on the other side... I’m living proof that if you stop self-sabotaging your life can change. For me, all of this heightened due to my pregnancy. My pregnancy has enabled me to stop self-denying myself the things that I need to survive. With each day I’m unlearning and retraining my brain to do things that I have never considered before and because I have decided to be so honest with myself... I can now trust the instinctual and intuitive aspects of myself to navigate through personal development, motherhood and more. I'm no longer looking to others for guidance.  

I’m all in and CANNOT let up because my beautiful baby boy is counting on me to guide him through this life. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not even so sure that I need to. All I know for sure is that he is my reason for it all. Figure out your why and act on it diligently because I don’t know if you have noticed but… the days, weeks and months have been going by really fast. Moments lost can cost you EVERYTHING and if you are thinking that I’m being dramatic... well to each his own. For me, it’s that deep and I’m in the thick of it. 

Take a moment to reflect this week. Think about the choices you have made lately and write down how each one has affected you. It you haven't made any changes lately, please allow this to motivate you. 


DISCLAIMER: THIS IS THE INFORMATION THAT I HAVE GATHERED FROM GOING THROUGH THE THINGS THAT I HAVE IN LIFE. IT DOESNT MAKE ME SPECIAL AT ALL, I JUST LIVE MY LIFE IN CONSTANT RUMINATION AND OBSERVATION AND SHARE WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN THE HOPES OF HELPING SOMEONE ELSE. FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING.


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