“DOES HONESTY IN ITS ENTIRETY TRULY EXIST OR IS IT WISE TO BELIEVE THAT THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE WILL NATURALLY REVEAL WHO YOU ARE”?
I was listening to an audiobook when it dawned on me, how can people be entirely honest about how they feel.. If they aren’t entirely honest about who they are?
I remember sitting in a therapy session with my psychiatrist and him telling me that I didn’t have to say everything that was on my mind and that I needed to learn discernment when speaking. I was taken aback not offended just confused.. If I don’t say everything that I’m thinking.. How can I truly be honest with myself and those around me? This had been my mentality for about 33 years.. How do I just stop talking? Do I need to stop talking? Or is there a bigger picture here?
In that moment, I had learned that my identity is NOT tied to the things that I say and notice. I had developed an entire persona on being this "honest" person who would tell it like it is and in that moment, I was told that it meant NOTHING. IT ACCOUNTED FOR ZERO PERCENT of who I actually was and man, I was winded after that. I was yesterday years old when I realized more personal editing needed to occur. Its not my responsibility to hold everyone accountable in their truth or to even help them find their truth. But more importantly, who I had been this entire time? It's like that one sentence disrupted the mask that I had been wearing all along. It was at that point that I truly realized that we all have a choice to make each day and it’s either we choose the self-same or we choose the unknown. I, personally am tired of sameness. I want to be able to be myself.. I want to be the girl who isn't angry and ashamed because of the trauma that I endured. I want to be the girl that says, "Yeah, I'm Bipolar so what"? How can I stop being so afraid to be vulnerable? How do I change my heart posture?
I genuinely used to think that I was well put together.. but now I realize that I was actually living a lie because I never really gave myself the space to grieve what was. Instead, I held on to the idea that I needed to keep going no matter what and I didn't really put value in being okay with not being okay. In other words, I was in survival mode. And now that the veil has been lifted from my eyes I see things differently and I no longer feel like its necessary to choose the sameness in the mask that I was wearing.
So what exactly is the self-same?
The self-same is an amalgamation of identities, personalities and habits. Those that which you rely on each day, you developed them when you were learning who you were and you made the conscious decision to use those things as your foundation because if it works, why change? There could be room for improvement but you aren’t focused on growth due to the comfortability of what is. Who motivates you in the self-same? Who challenges you? What can lead you from the self-same to the unknown?
What does the battle within you look like? Have you been able identify it? We all struggle with something whether it be pride, childhood trauma, etc. We all have an internal battle.. and with each day we are learning and unlearning so that we may use these shortcomings and turn them into wisdom. I’m a mess. I’ll be the first to admit that AND diligently work on it. I’m a recovering control freak and perfectionist. I have really bad OCD about certain things and I’m a loner.. I don’t have one thing about my life figured out but I do know this. I’m not supposed to.
So, how deep are you willing to go? The unknown requires a different heart posture from the one that you are used to and it can feel scary and very uncomfortable. You have to be willing to look and go beyond the superficiality of the familiar so that you may explore the various aspects of yourself that will challenge and push you further along in life. But how do you do it? How do you consciously work towards and through change?
Three Ways To Consciously Work Toward Change
- Understand that you have the capacity to sustain a real difference for/within yourself. You have to be so bold in your conviction for change that even when it scares you it excites and sparks a curiosity within you.
- Identify what is is that you are yearning for. What will create a renewed sense of self? Don’t be afraid to question yourself. Don’t be afraid to question everything and everyone.. (respectfully & internally of course)
- Be willing to truly learn. What does this mean? The moment that you decide to change is the moment that you challenge the life that you had envisioned for yourself. It will almost feel like life is challenging you as everything that you have ever known is now unfamiliar. And it’s very hard so be very gentle with yourself at this time.
Please keep in mind that as you are changing it’s not your responsible to change anyone’s perspective on your process. It’s not your job to convince anyone of your new truth, just live in it. And while that might confuse, upset or even inspire others.. Stay focused and just keep going.
Now as for myself, does this mean that I’ll never relay the truth to anyone ever again? Absolutely not, if it’s going to help you.. I feel almost obligated to say what is necessary when I am called to. I guess this post is a long winded way of saying that it is imperative and very responsible of me to take a very good look at myself because I can’t check anyone if I’m not even living in my truth. I’m literally dying each day and killing off aspects of myself that are not beneficial to me in my journey. I have learned not to burden myself with someone else’s growth and that I can’t live anyone else’s truth except my own. Did I have the right intentions? Of course.
Did I have the capacity to help everyone else out while I silently suffered? No. Having realized that, I know now that its time to take the cape off in order to be transparent with myself first.
In the past, I was so far from myself and spiraling because I decided to live a life that wasn’t meant for me. It led to depression, heavy drinking, experimental drugs you name it. And although I felt like I was so free and having fun… It was a very dark, suicidal and unfulfilling time in my life. God saved my life by rescuing me from myself at a time that I was so sure was infinitely tumultuous. He allowed for me to see my true potential by showing me the real me before I changed to adapt in this world. I found purpose but most importantly I had a reason to live. Yes, he was that bad for me. My life had been so entangled in the pits of nothingness and it led to despair.
To this day God is my motivator (If you don’t believe in God find something else to believe in that can help motivate you as navigate throughout all of the change that you will be subjected to) and although I have peace there are times when I feel so far removed from everyone and everything that I used to know. I’ve felt lonely through some of it but I still embrace and rejoice in that fact I made a choice NOT to become a product of all the hardship that I have faced.
I made the conscious choice to choose something other than myself and it feels so good to finally feel wholesome. I’m no longer walking around as a hollow shell of myself.. now I’m walking in my truth and you will to whenever you decide.
In conclusion, we are all human and sucuumb to shortcomings.. it’s what you do with those experiences that will not only change your life but the ones around you. Who’s looking up to you? Who are you living for?
I can’t let my son down.. he was entrusted to me and I will not intentionally fail him.
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